I’m feeling so bad right now that it’s scaring me. The only time I can remember feeling quite this bad was quite literally that time years ago when I tried to kill myself. Back when I first had my “gender identity crisis” or whatever it is most people like to call those things. I still prefer to call it when I found myself. Not that this right now has anything to do with that, or maybe it has everything to do with that, cause I’m feeling completely alone again, and of course that’s hard, even for me.
Plus, I’m not usually this emotional. I know it will pass in a few days time, but the whole reason behind it and the fact that is is creates a paradox, cause it makes me feel foreign to myself, and then that makes me more emotional, which makes things worse and worse.
Or maybe it’s also just that everybody has left for the summer and the extremely few people I could possibly talk to about this are gone. Or the knowledge that I’ve fucked up quite literally everything again. Or maybe it’s that feeling that it wouldn’t have mattered either way, cause of who I am.
Let’s face it, with all the things I’m stressed about, the most stressful thing right now is all the passing one way or another. Sure, getting a job is stressful, but mostly cause when I get one I’ll have to go there and day in and day out pretend to be somebody I’m not. Cause if I am myself, they won’t want to hire me. Why is it that the only choice I have is either to pass for somebody I’m not and be miserable or else don’t give a shit about pretending and probably be homeless? Why does everything come down to that in the end?
I mean that’s even the root of why I failed that class last semester. I never told anybody about that. But, the professor asked us to write an essay that, although having a lot more layers than just this, was basically all about gender. Well, not just gender, gender in our lives.
And the truth is, I’m not ready to confront the world about this. I tried to write that paper, it’s not like I just gave up. But I ended up crying, and I nearly never cry. I don’t even like admitting that.
Ugh, I think it’s time for bed. Maybe all of this will go away again in the morning. By which I mean I can largely ignore it, for better or for worse.
Gender is overrated. Do not give up because of the shallowness of others. Probably we all have a gender, but the gender we feel like inside is not what the world expects it to be, looking at our body. We can feel male or female or both, or ambiguous or nothing at all. Anyway, it is also important to know that we can live well even if we do not feel inside like our body looks like. There is often no need for any fights or “modifications”. See it like that - in your next life you will be reborn again in the body which fits your gender. In this life you were born to learn certain things from the position of the opposite gender. Our spirit always remains. Our body gender can differ from life to life. That’s what I believe in.
